Don’t tell the bride

December 8, 2011 No Comments by Aleisha

Have you see the TV show Don’t tell the Bride?
It’s fabulously droll. An engaged couple are given twelve grand to plan their wedding, the only catch is… the woman must go away and leave the man to plan and pay for the whole thing (from flowers, to celebrants to the DRESS!) all in two weeks, no contact until the wedding day. What he says goes. Most episodes follow the pattern of him spending eleven grand on the bucks night/week and then freaking out, trying to plan the rest of the wedding for under a thousand pounds.
After watching 8000 episodes, I’ve come to the conclusion that a majority of these couples have never had an actual discussion about their wedding or indeed their general dislikes and likes. If you knew you were going on a show like that wouldn’t logic prompt you to have a conversation?

‘Sweetheart, just so you know, I hate teal and fluro pink, my dress size is 10, I don’t like sparkles or diamantes and if you put me in a crown or tiara I WILL vomit,’

Nup. The bride sits around for the two weeks crying and moaning to the camera ‘I hope he remembers I’m Scottish…I’ve always wanted a piper at my wedding, it’s my DREAM…..but I’ve never told him, hopefully he figures it out or the biggest day OF MY LIFE will be ruined’.

Cut to the groom buying fluro pink bridesmaids dresses, a big fuck off sparkly wedding dress and planning a casino themed wedding because ‘he and the bride went to a casino once and from what he can remember of it, they had a good time’. Christ.


I feel like I’m in an episode of that TV show right now…except no one’s given me any money and my fiancée isn’t picking the dress. Although our hitching date isn’t until mid next year we’ve got a deadline…to book all major participants in this gig before March…. before I lose my mind performing my new stand up show and fiancée (god I hate that word) goes back to his study cave for the new university semester.

You know what? In two weeks we’ve nearly got this baby sorted. Sure you can buy 14 overpriced bridal mags and sit online, pouring over pages and pages of florists and cakes and dresses but we’ve got a budget (a super tight one) and we know what we want. So far we’re doing pretty well.

On the weekend we went to David Jones to find a suit. We met a hotshot suit fitting lady, with a measuring tape around he neck (pro), who knew Rich’s waist size by sight and pulled the perfect sauvé suit, first time. Anthony Squires, Australian made, deliciousness.  SOLD.

A Cake you say? Invitations? Got it in one Cake Ink…. probably the coolest and cleverest name out there. Two ladies, one does cake, the other is a kick arse graphic designer. With their powers combined, they make our lives easier and everything is going to look all designy and pretty.

Rings? Simon West. He’s a super dude. He designed my engagement ring (with Rich) and will supply every diamond/jewellery purchase for the rest of our lives…..ahemmm. Seriously I love him.

Dessert table? Well that’ll be my mate Kath from Frank Food and Me …orgasmic brownies are her specialty. We want a table of goodness so good that our guests brains will explode in anticipation of ALL of the sugar. Suit you sir.

Booze? Well thanks to Woolworth’s and their 25% off sale we’ve got a cupboard full of champagne and beer that shall be kept under lock and key…now where’s that key?

Look, I know there’s plenty more to buy/do but I’m enjoying it. We’ve got a spreadsheet that tells us how much money we have to find before next year (or what possessions may be sold on ebay to pay for it all) and we’re doing it together.

But what must be remembered in all of this planning is that it’s only ONE day. I’m sure it will be a good day…a GREAT day in fact but let’s not get mental about it.

Alan Partridge: Ah, that is the best Valentine’s Day I’ve had in eight years.
Jill: What did you do eight years ago?
Alan Partridge: Just had a better one.

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